My Sister: A Little Golden Book

This past Sunday was my sister’s birthday. We went to a pottery shop for most of the day and painted plates and mugs. Then we went to Carrabba’s, which I’m pretty sure is Italian for “carboloading.”

On our way out, my sister remarked that she had consumed upwards of sixty ounces of water during dinner in order to offset the immense amount of food she had eaten. She’s really into drinking obscene amounts of water to keep her metabolism revved. That way, she can eat an entire bag of Goldfish Grahams and not worry about it.

So, then she says, “I drank so much water. I hope I don’t piss myself on the way home. I already did that last week.” It’s typical for my family members to tell an embarrassing or horrifying story with little to no segue to cushion what everyone is about to hear, but since my sister has a degree in Chemistry and graduated Summa Cum Laude, it had never crossed my mind that someone of that caliber would piss themselves twice in one month. I have two liberal arts degrees. That’s my job.

"Last week, I drank fifty ounces of water right before bed because I’m a fucking dingus. I had a dream that night that I was on the toilet, pissing, and then I woke up. But I didn’t even stop pissing. I consciously thought to myself, wow, I am pissing, and then continued to piss all over myself and the bed. And when I was done, I got up, put towels down on my piss bed, and then went right back to sleep. Just slept on my piss."

The most amazing part is that she was sober, completely sober, and that in her own clarity of mind decided to surrender to her elements.

I hope one day I’m that chill.

I have read 40 books so far and I want to read 60 more before the year is over

Please recommend short books to me because I am apparently incapable of selecting books shorter than 600 pages because I love the thrill of this race against the clock

barrenflowers

barrenflowers:

mickeysdicksmasherseasonpass:

tg-i:

krudman:

Ignore the terrifying thumbnail. Please watch this.

TES: Oblivion

There are tears streaming down my face what the hell is this

elizabeth i can’t wait till you’re in my damn house and we’ll watch dumb fucking youtube videos all day until we piss ourselves i’m already stocking up on adult diapers

Every time I get sad

I get in my pod
And I look out my window
And I’m like HNNNNGGGGG

IT’S MACARONI TIME

but really I’m like “I get to visit Ella in December!!! Life is full of possibilities! Shoot my butt cheeks with a rifle I’m so happy!!!!”